''I Knew a Donkey... And You, Sir, Are No Donkey.''

I arrived in Chachapoyas planning on doing a day-trip to Kuelap (a pre-Incan site recently opened to tourists) and wound up signing up for a three-day jungle trek. I think that my family's Target disability has impacted my travel habits (we once went to Target to buy a blender and left with a full set of patio furniture). Big Box Syndrome aside, I do not regret my decision. How could I let myself be chauffeured to Kuelap after receiving the opportunity to hike through jungle for three days, stumbling upon obscure, vine-covered ruins, before falling at the feet of Kuelap's majestic, white walls?

Dear reader, I am going to torture you. I am not going to share most of the details of my trek with you. On Sunday, I will return to the States, at which point you will be able to pump me with questions. Until then, you will have to be satiated by a mere anecdote.

On the second day of the trek, my guide announced that I was going to ride a mule through the Andes for five hours. After eating breakfast, our host (we had spent the night on a coffee farm in an obscure Andean village, three hours away from the nearest road) led me to the front of his house and introduced me to Mula, my beast of burden. When I tried to pet my new furry friend, my host protested. He told me that Mula liked to kick. Then, he told me to mount the animal. I climbed atop Mula, making every effort to avoid his angry hoofs, and began my journey.

As I rode along, I discovered the Mula was no middle-of-the-road mule. No, he preferred to stick to the right edge of the path. This practice proved to be extremely hazardous for my face. I constantly had to duck under Peruvian tree branches, which was difficult because my hair was entangled in the jungle vines. Whenever the mule took my on a scratch adventure, his minder yelled at him in pitchy, ungrammatical Spanish mixed with indigenous colloquialisms that sounded like the language in the computer game "The Sims."

The anecdote ends here, my friends. Will Antigone survive her treacherous mule ride through the Andes, or will she come home severely disfigured? Find out at Newark Airport on Sunday!